Ashley's Blogs

Online journal of personal thoughts, experiences, ideas, & interest through written post. Also sharing memories of Lori.

November 7, 2026

Journal Entry #4 - Somewhere Between Grief & Joy

The definition of joy has definitely changed in meaning over the past year & half. But I recently found pleasure in solo traveling the country. Escaping the once loud house filled with laughter which is now 80% cricket-silent between me & my dad. Back in August I landed a job that could support my paused dream, so for the past month I have been flying coast to coast. I learned that I really love Utah & all it has to offer, except the Mormon part. But with the high altitude I bring back the flu each time, & whenever I'm sick I get very depressed. I'm sure it’s normal to shed a couple tears; but I get lost in a dark mental maze of missing my mom. Playing the what if game & imagining a life where everything worked out. I also get very emotional, the other day I cried over a soup & sandwich because my mom would always get it for me when I was under the weather. My mom was always my traveling buddy, being a part of a travel team meant sharing hotel beds, sitting on a plane side-by- side, & personal bonding times. So it's not always easy to see new places without her & I know I can't just send her an image over text. I'm aware of the diseases that get passed when traveling, but I can't sit at home alone in my thoughts with reminders all around me of the life I once had. So I've been gambling to see if I will be somewhat happy hundreds of miles from home, or be stuck in bed next to a tissue box & a river of tears. 

October 15 , 2026

Journal Entry #3 - Hey Girlfriend 

After my moms second surgery back in July of 2025 she lost all mobility below the hip. It really changed the household dynamic as we learned quickly my mom needed more help than we expected. Moving furniture out to create her own at home care since the upstairs master was no longer an option wasn't easy with the help of myself & my dad. Due to being on campus a good 2-3 times a week, I helped a lot at home which equaled personal time. With that I learned a new side of my mom, her fears, proudest moments, best memories, & etc. Somewhere along the way the phrase “Hey Girlfriend" got picked up. Every time walking in without missing a beat for 5 months it was always “Hey Girlfriend”. Looking back & remembering her face I get a warm feeling to know she felt comfort while repeating back since she knew it was someone she loved. Through all the terrible surgeries my mom kept choosing to make our family laugh with small gestures. Somehow saying “I love you” became the middle finger & it also symbolized “fuck this i'm over it” which you could tell the difference in usage. By the last lap of my moms journey she was 70% mute, you could only catch a couple words right as she woke up in the morning. I normally spent my time with her right before bed since I would come home from practice & give a run down of my day. One night I came in as usual to find I was already getting the finger while she was choking the life out of her favorite stuffed animal. I laughed since I have her terrible humor & snapped a picture. Little did I know it would be our last picture together, it haunted me for a while like everything else but now I get a little giggle out of it. It's a good feeling to know I was raised by a woman with imaginable characteristics who lived a life creating funny memories for us to look back at & laugh together about. That's what a good role model does.

September 18 , 2026

Journal Entry #2 - Not My Life

Life since January has felt like a clock ticking back in time. Sometimes I wish, but I also genuinely dreaded those 6 months. Countless nights being wide awake in the Mission Hospital ICU until 3am, the once a week visits in LA, & all the thoughts wondering if I would see my mom in the morning. It's not something a 17 year old should experience. I was a senior at Tesoro during this time balancing sports, academics, social life & home which can already be overwhelming. I was living the life no one prepared me for, it wasn't my life & it haunted me. Weeks after my mom passed I was digging through images to transfer over. At some point I came across her own personal blog post car accident. It highlighted the months of grief she suffered while being vulnerable & truthful. The name ‘notmylife.blog’, the page is no longer up but was backed up in files. Reading through showed decades of my mom mentally stuck & blaming herself for creating the life she wasn't supposed to live. I realized just how much of her life after she spent trying to make the best of something that changed everything for her. Then I started thinking of myself & what my mom would want for me.

August 25, 2026

Journal Entry #1 - Intro

Everyone has that one person they idolize & treasure in life. 16 year old me would obviously give an appropriate answer to why, but without a deep rooted meaning. Sometimes it takes losing someone to realize their place in your life & how much they impacted that void. “Not My Life” is the simplest way I feel I can describe myself; but I would be going down a rabbit hole every time I told a stranger that. Nowadays it's all fake personalities, superficial looks, & the social ladder of “am I cool enough?". Thankfully my mom kept me innocent for as long as she could through sports & hobbies. She was my someone I held onto close & growing up I couldn't imagine life without her, sometimes I still do. Unfortunately Lori Coble (my mom) passed away from Stage 4 Glioblastoma, an aggressive & uncureable form of brain cancer back in January of 2026. You think I would be months into therapy because of all the horrific trauma I lived through the past year & half of my life, but I chose not to go. I've tried multiple times before but learned they're all like seagulls that want you bread $. Repeating “mine” (aka their advice) the same way every session & leaving me with nothing I didn't already know. That's one of many reasons I miss my mom, she was blunt & had great advice. She knew there were no unicorns pooping rainbows nor tooth fairies who gave you $50 because why not. She saw black & white and was just realistic about all of the above because of the situations she was put in at a young age. As of myself, it's hard to describe the difference of how I see the world now vs back in June of 2025. That's why I wanted to start these blogs. I want people to have a deeper understanding of who I am through my hardships, maturing points, & stories. It's also easier to express my feelings by typing them out. Besides myself, I feel it's only appropriate to also share more about my mom through memories & have the readers grasp the same love I felt from her.